I am not prepared for what I need to do.
I feel like a leper in a boxing match, a clown in a murder trial. I feel like O.J Simpson on Tinder.
A couple of weeks ago I left my job, looking to take some time to redirect myself and find my path. After my marriage ended 15 months ago, I had not had the chance to stop, had just plowed on ahead, plotting my course. It was time to stop, rest and evaluate.
So here I am, evaluating.
I had wanted to try my hand at writing more, my great joy which I had let drift away from me, like Wilson in Cast Away but more pointy, hairy and less agreeable. I envisioned walking from my former work into a torrent of words, that the job itself was what was holding me back, viciously preventing me from reaching my true potential with its heartless promises of regular paychecks and stability.
In actual fact, I walked out into a desert.
At the same time I walked away, my parents came up to stay, throwing my routine, the Artist Formerly Known As My Wife and I arranged to change our hours with Li’l Pants (our five year old) to alternate weeks, I met someone and began the slow, dizzying fall into love and I found myself at a complete loss as to who I was, what I was meant to be doing and how I could write about it all in any way that seemed even remotely interesting.
I was free at last, free at last and it tasted like cold pork.
Of course, this is all part of the process and I am beginning to realize that now.
The ground shifting beneath your feet whilst you attempt to ride a unicycle is always going to be a tumultuous affair. When we attempt anything at all for the first time, we are instantly reverted to being an awkward child, apologetic and ungainly in our manner, our every insecurity highlighted through that practice. I am the child brought up to speak in front of a new class, in a new school, in shoes that are too small for my feet and with a haircut my mum assured me was ‘sexy’.
I am parachuting whilst hugging a fridge. I am swimming with Harold Holt.
But it’s okay.
Hugh Laurie was quoted as saying,
“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”
I trust Hugh Laurie. He is the best friend and the long time working partner of Mr. Stephen Fry, so some of Fry’s genius must have rubbed off on him somewhere.
So here I am and it is now.
I am not ready, but I am walking anyway.
Onwards. Outwards. Thither.
I will send postcards from the edge and when I topple over I will double my efforts.
If you see me out there, frazzled and discombobulated, feel free to say hi.
I promise I’ll say it back.